ARE YOU A JUGGALO?

ARE YOU A JUGGALO?
Take this quiz and find out!

Question 1: My favorite band is:
A.) Bubba Sparxxx
B.) Eminem
C.) Vanilla Ice
D.) Insane Clown Posse

True Juggalo Facts! Juggalos are defined by their unerring love for rapping clowns. If you picked D, you are almost 
certainly a Juggalo. Picking A is a bit of a trick question... (Normal people would assume that Bubba Sparxxx is exactly
 the kind of artist that Juggalos would embrace: A dumb, talentless, rapping whigger.) However, any Juggalo will tell
 you that Bubba Sparxxx is the only person to ever be booed off the stage at a “Juggalo Gathering” 
(Tila Tequila wasn't so much booed, as attempted to be stoned to death with half-empty vodka and Faygo filled cans) .
 If you picked A, it’s more likely that you’re a hillbilly who time-travelled into the future from the year 
2001 to warn us not to drink the moonshine that you would bring to market in 2010 
that made everyone go blind and shit their livers out.

Question 2: My ideal woman is:

A.) A hot chick with big boobs.
B.) A hot chick with big boobs dressed in all black.
C.) A hot chick with big boobs wearing clown face paint.
D.) A Juggalette. Also with big boobs.

True Juggalo facts! Juggalos like boobs just like normal human males. The only difference is that they also have an
 affinity for early 90s rave/goth clothes with the pipe legs and the chains hanging everywhere and the face paint and
 various other shit that no hot chick would go within 100 miles of. You are about as likely to see a hot chick at a
 “Juggalo Gathering” as you are to meet a Juggalo attorney or a Juggalo neurosurgeon. Which is to say, not at all.

Question 3: The woman that I’m actually dating really looks more like:
A.) A hot chick with big boobs.
B.) A sorta fat chick that dyes her hair black even though she’s naturally a blonde.
C.) A morbidly obese chick with clown face paint.
D.) A disgusting fat-body of a Robeast that barely even resembles a human being anymore.

True Juggalo facts! The truth hurts, especially when you are a Juggalo. 
This is why Juggalos band together into disorganized “families”, to bear their shameful hogging ways en masse.

Question 4: You catch your pregnant girlfriend smoking out behind the shed. Do you:
A.) Speak to her about the perils of smoking while pregnant.
B.) Tell her to stop, and finish her butt (smokes are expensive, cant let that go to waste).
C.) Burn her arm with the lit cig, to teach her a lesson.
D.) Beat her with a hatchet, and then take her to the bedroom to get started on a new baby Juggalo to replace the one you just self-aborted.

True Juggalo facts! Juggalos frown upon bigotry and racism 
(despite nearly all of them being suburban Midwestern white kids), 
but they regularly engage in violence and “bitch beating”.

(The Juggalo Jesus was conceived in a Dayton Ohio parking lot)
Question 5: My religious beliefs would best be described as:
A.) Personal.
B.) A contradictory blend of Christianity and atheism.
C.) Wiccan.
D.) Some bullshit about dark carnivals and joker cards and Jesus and clowns or some such bullshit.

True Juggalo facts! Many hardcore Juggalos believe that ICP’s music is a thoughtful allegory about life and religion. 
I shit you not. It’s probably the only thing dumber than pretending to be a witch, 
though slightly less crazy than Scientology. 

Question 6: When I get home from work I like to unwind by:
A.) Catching up on a few episodes of whatever premium cable TV shows I DVR’d last week.
B.) Catching up on a few episodes of whatever basic cable TV shows I Tivo’d last week.
C.) Catching up on a few episodes of WWE Raw and Smackdown that I recorded on my VCR last week.
D.) I am unemployed.

True Juggalo facts! The more of a Juggalo you are, the more likely you are to be unemployed. 
Persecution complexes and clown fetishes aren’t generally the types of skills that employers are looking for.

Question 7: My favorite soft drink or beverage is:
A.) Sparkling water.
B.) RC Cola
C.) Pabst Blue Ribbon.
D.) Faygo.

True Juggalo facts! If you even know what Faygo is, you’re probably a Juggalo. I think they only sell it in 
the Midwest, which, as we all know, is a thriving hotbed of Juggalosity. Cheap beer is another favorite of the Juggalo,
 though they share this affinity with other white folk that only like to pretend to be uneducated and poor.

Question 8: My education level is:
A.) High school or above.
B.) Junior high.
C.) Laughable.
D.) Nonexistent.

True Juggalo facts! If you are a Juggalo, someone is probably going to have to read this article 
out loud to you and change all those big multisyllable words.

Question 9: True or false: My interest in wrestling is only superseded by my interest in rapping clowns.

A.) This in no way pertains to my interests.
B.) False.
C.) True.
D.) What the fuck is a super seed? Is that some kind of badass new pot seed or some shit?

True Juggalo facts! The only thing Juggalos like more than wrestling is rapping clowns. 
Scientists theorize that Juggalos may even have developed their signature short, squat stature 
over generations of backyard piledriving (and inbreeding).

Question 10: True or false: My face is like the surface of the moon, only rounder, and covered with molten cheese.
A.) Uh, false.
B.) True.
C.) Pretty much, but you don’t notice the craters so much what with all the face paint and everything.
D.) Eh, I dunno. I haven’t actually seen what my face looks like since I got the clown paint permanently tattooed on.

True Juggalo facts! Faygo is a leading cause of skin outbreaks, which are not at all helped by the 
dollar cheeseburger and hot pocket diet, nor the pore-clogging face paint.

Bonus Question!
I will send a sniveling hate mail message and/or flaccid verbal threat to the author of this article:
A.) Never.
B.) As soon as I’m finished crying.
C.) Already sent it.
D.) In as long as it takes me to get a ride to the library. Because I don’t have a computer. Or a car.

True Juggalo facts! Juggalos are notorious for being obnoxious whiny bitches. 
One of their favorite things to do is to threaten to cut another Juggalo’s head off 
with a hatchet or some crap like that via email, Twitter or Facebook. 
When that same Juggalo receives a threat in response, he will then make a complaint 
about the sender to the email provider, send an angry reply back on Twitter 
or spam his Facebook messages with abuse. This will probably result in both of them being 
banned or deleted, at which point they will then take their little disagreement to another social network. 

Never will they actually meet and do any of the things that they threaten to do to one another.

TALLY UP YOUR POINTS!

If you answered mostly A.
Congratulations! You are not a Juggalo. With any luck, you will never hear the word “Juggalo” ever again in your life, and will live happily ever after as whatever dumb group of losers that you belong to instead.

If you answered mostly B. 
You are considered “at risk’ of Juggalory. Move to a major metropolitan center of language and culture, and you should be fine. Stay away from Hot Topic and eat a salad once in awhile, it isn’t gonna kill you.

If you answered mostly C.
You may be in need of an intervention. You are dangerously close to naming your first-born child “Shaggy 2 Dope” or “Violent J” (even though it's a girl). Your job in the Walmart stockroom may be in danger if you continue wearing your face paint to work, you’re running out of social networking sites to get deleted from, and the U.S. government refuses to recognize “Juggalo Ninjas” as a proper religion worthy of tax exemption. The only way out for you at this point may be to fake your own death. It’s certainly worth considering.

If you answered mostly D.
The supreme Juggalo, from which all others are spawned.
Then you are an “Alpha Juggalo”. Other Juggalos revere you. You may even be in a band that plays Juggalo music! You probably have all the Robeasts and Faygo that anyone could ever want, if anyone ever actually wanted Robeasts and Faygo. You are truly a trendsetter among an army of identical, overweight white trash unemployed rapping clowns. Great job! You’ve officially had a hand in devolving the human race as a species!

E.Buzz Miller's Pop Culture Notes and other junk.: August 2011