Well I guess there is no other place to start this story but from the beginning. I live on a large acreage a few miles away from a somewhat larger midwest city and run a small business that handles online sales of real world merchandise. At one point I ended up with a Juggalo we will call Billy living on my property and sort of working for me to cover his rent but our story starts a few years earlier than that.
I first met Billy through a mutual friend that was big into medieval reenactments. Said mutual friend was known to have weekend long parties at his house every weekend and when I had nothing better going on I would just stop there with a extra case of beer or a bottle. Well over the years I had met a rather odd variety of "people" at this place and being kind of a prick in the real world, me and another like-minded friend that actually lived there at the time (we will call him Jim) would have endless fun screwing with the weirdos that came and went over the years. Now keep in mind most of the "people" that started hanging out on the weekends towards the end was homeless dirtballs that came to crash for the weekend and mooch, but always seemed to find money for booze and cigarettes or pipe tobacco. At this point Jim and I had made a game of getting pissed up drunk and seeing who could be the biggest asshole the the new homeless mooches, including games like: pelting sleeping bums in the dome with beer cans, who could get one of the turds to do the craziest jackass like stunt for a cigarette, and other such things we could come up with. This is not including who could bang the new decent bitches first, but you get the idea and I am getting off topic here.
I first met Billy on one of these weekends of drunken douchebaggery when he showed up with his girlfriend at the time... lets call her "Peggy". Billy was a homeless transplant from a few states away and came here to be with Peggy that he met on MySpace (yeah that long ago). Well Peggy's parents caught wind of her buying a homeless guy she met online a bus ticket to come here to meet her and understandably flipped the fuck out, so she left her rich parents to live with a homeless scum bag in a homeless shelter. Now at this point you might be thinking Billy is a Brad Pitt looking motherfucker or something like that but I assure you nothing could be further from the truth. Our pal Billy is a short, sickly skinny, dirt ball with coke bottle glasses and is completely bald on top with long dirty hair around the sides and back that form some sort of hybrid mullet that Jim and I call "the skullet".
Now Peggy was no prize herself mind you. She was rather plain and at that time only slightly chunky with thick glasses herself and to let you know now, time is not kind to Peggy in the years to come. But that will be covered in future installments. Now what lead to these two morons being together is a story lulzy in of it's self and worth going into further. Billy had found Peggy on a MySpace pagan group and tells her his, as of yet unconfirmed, tale of woe. He claimed to have been married so some woman and she was pregnant with his child but she was murdered and the reason he is homeless is because he "gave up" after that happened. On top of all this he fed her some line of shit about how they were together several times in previous lives and they are fated to be together again (no seriously, I could not make this shit up if I tried). At this point Jim and I was still being nice for the most part because Billy and Peggy did not seem as bad as the other losers around and they stayed out of our path, well that and we did know about all this horseshit yet. This spree of kindness did not last long due to Billy eventually getting drunk enough to start telling us all about his and Peggy's past lives together and about all of us having various roles in these past lives. This incurred a shit storm of lulz and many years of mockery that still continue.
Normally Billy would have been laughed out of the place, but that same weekend while drunk, the topic of midget tossing came up (all the details are a little fuzzy due to jager bombs) and one thing lead to another and another friend of ours that was over, ended up tossing a consenting Billy across the yard. This resulted in Billy having a broken leg that needed a rod and several screws to fix. The friend that owned the place not wanting a lawsuit (or in Billy's case, an lol-suit) let Billy and Peggy stay for a while 'til Billy was well enough to walk. During this time period Billy had gotten in contact with his homeless Juggalo friends in his home state and somehow convinced them to come here for some reason. I am not sure I can adequately convey the utter lulzyness of this growing horde of dirtballs with words, but I can try. The first one being a girl in a wheelchair with cerebral palsy I nicknamed "Crazy Legs", She came with her future baby daddy we will call "Tony". We will cover some of the lulz of this pair of simple fucks later on... (to be continued)
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